This entry is a more personal reflection than some, but I am writing because I imagine many might have similar thoughts and feelings. Many times over my life I have looked back on times, choices, decisions, opportunities, and I have wondered, did I make the right choice there? Did I choose the right college? Did I make the right choice to move back to Nashville after grad school? Was it the right choice to study what I studied?
In my brain these questions get down to almost laughable levels, asking questions about silly things like what I eat or drink or where I shop and pondering how those things are affecting the wider universe and my own life. I do think making good choices like these is important. Each one builds on another and even if the effect isn't measurable (and hopefully, at least in my wasitline it is...) I know that I have done my best.
But the issue for me has always been did I do things right? Did I do enough? Am I doing a good enough job?
And the outcome of those choices seems to have always been trying to live up to some image of who I was going to be when I was 10 or 13 or 17 or 25 or 44 (I'm 45 now, at least for a couple months).
Some of you have long ago seen the danger of the road I have been on, this constant comparison to a former vision of who I would be. I don't know if anyone ever lives up to that vision. But not living up to that vision was causing a bit of strife within me.
And then--I got it. Of course I made the right choices. Of course I made mistakes, but all of those choices, all those things that I did in good or maybe sometimes questionable faith, all the big and small decisions over the course of a life made me, right now. I am who I am because of those things. And so, maybe they weren't perfect, surely sometimes my choices were not the best, but to become Chris Warren of 2020, they were right.
I am just who I am supposed to be. I cannot compare myself to the version I dreamed up years ago. Besides, who wants to be a movie, rock, opera star who cures cancer and performs brain surgery while righting the wrongs of the legal system and maintaining a career in politics? (Not all those things were dreamed up at the same time...)
We are who we are supposed to be, however we stack up to our former plans. And we can only take ourselves where we are right now and work to become better.
So that's what I choose to do. I accept myself where I am. I am proud of myself where I am. I have a multitude of reasons to be proud and happy and content right where I am. Many of you reading are some of those reasons. And I can take this person who's pretty OK right now and just keep doing my best going forward.
From where I stand today, that looks pretty good. And I bet it's the same for you if you'll stand where I'm standing...
