Learning Something New

It takes time to learn something new. I don't mean learning the information itself, necessarily, but internalizing what you have learned can be a long process. When something comes up that challenges your prior understanding, the longer you've held that understanding, the longer it can be to change.

I have been reflecting recently on something I learned my freshman year of college. It has taken me a long time to internalize it, partially because of the shock in the lesson I learned because of the background I had.

My first year of college I joined in with a campus religious organization. My good friend Mike was the music leader for the meetings we had, and he encouraged me to go. I thought it would be a good opportunity to meet some new people on campus, and I was right. It was a small group and I got acquainted with a few students there.

One young woman I met there I knew only by her name and by sight. We hadn't really had any conversation, but she seemed like someone I would like hanging around with. So, when I was out at a local coffee shop, and I saw her, I greeted her in a way that I thought was warmly. "Hey, girl!" I shouted out when I saw her.

I learned that night that "Hey, girl!" is not an appropriate greeting for everyone.

At first I was baffled by her rebuke. Why would someone be angry when I was clearly being friendly? Then I was embarrassed, angry, confused-- several different emotions. I never spoke to her about that moment, and probably never spoke to her at all again. But I am grateful for the lesson, even though it took me a long time to understand.

My using the word "girl" was demeaning, even if I didn't intend it. It belittled her in comparison to me. White men have been doing this to women and people of color since time immemorial. It is so common I didn't even know why someone would be offended. It was years before I would fully understand.

I still make mistakes like this one sometimes, and when I do, I try to be more understanding when I am corrected. The way we talk to one another matters. The way we talk about one another matters. No one should be spoken of or to as less than. Period.

My situation was embarrassing but it wasn't of great importance in the world. But the way we talk about one another, maybe especially world leaders speak to and about one another, does change the way the world works. Respect, dignity, and kindness are things it costs nothing to offer to one another, but how rarely we see those gifts given. Even unintentional slights can change or sever relationships.

My view from where I stand today is to simply be aware of how our words referring to others can sound, even if we don't mean them in the way they are taken. Instead of building a defensive wall by blaming the person who was offended, simply take time to see why they might feel as they do. If we do this, we just might learn something new.